My dear white friend

How do discussions around racism make you feel? Do you believe it’s an overflogged issue and wish people- especially black people- would please give it a rest already? Does it make you feel like leaving the room? You might be happy to know that you are not alone.

It’s quite common for people to find discussions of oppression and crime uncomfortable especially when they share similarities with the oppressor or criminal. For example, most muslims might hate for 9/11 to be brought up as they are scared it might end up in a hate speech about Muslims. Males get antsy when the rape of females is being talked about.

I think the reason is because it makes them feel personally attacked. It almost feels like an accusation. You are left feeling confused about what to say or do. If you keep quiet, are you endorsing the greatest mass kidnap in the human history and its residual effects (racism/slave trade)?

Since you are scared of being thought to be endorsing the crime or oppression that is being discussed, your first thoughts are to put up a defence urgently. You want to put ut out there that you are one of the good ones. So, you blurt out the first defence that comes to mind.

Typically, the defence is a less-than-clever one. ‘I went to Kenya with my family last year’. ‘My neighbour is African. Our kids are good friends’. ‘I wore braids for 2 weeks last month’. This adds to the awkwardness and ruins your chance to actually express what your stance is.

I urge you to calm down and listen to the discussion. It might just be someone expressing their frustration about personal and genuine or perceived encounters of racism. It’s unlikely to be directed at you specifically. Don’t rush to put up a defence or dismiss their concerns or opinions.

If history is brought up, remember it is useful to discuss these things that tbey may never happen again.

Many faces

Humans typically adopt different persona depending on the circumstances they are in. This is why your firm, no-nonsense, rigid boss might be putty in his wife’s hand. You might catch him dressed up as a fairy because his 2 year old daughter asked him to.

We often define people based on the aspects of their character that our involvements with them expose us to. What we fail to understand is that humans have many faces. We often “wear the face” that the situation calls for. So a honest little look inwards will confirm that there are ways you act at work that you don’t at home.

This extends into relationships as well. If you have a friend, you might be surprised by some things their spouse could tell you about them. Who they are as a wife or husband might bear little to no similarities to who they are as your friend.

My sister-in-law and I talk a lot. My brother is a good husband and a responsible and attentive father. Occasionally, she tells me things about my brother that leave me quite surprised. She’s his wife. She lives with him. I haven’t fully lived with him since I turned 22. How then can I argue with her? I can vouch for his character as a person but he, like everyone else, has his little idiosyncrasies which only one exposed to living with daily would know. So I hold myself in check and refrain from being too defensive. In the same way, I am sure there are things about my character as a wife that could shock my work colleagues and vice versa.

So what am I saying today? Be careful about who you vouch for. Especially if it isn’t in a role that you are familiar with. Even your amazing dad may be a very difficult boss at work. When your sister-in-law tells you things about your brother, listen carefully before you jump to his defence. You will never get to experience what life is like as his wife. When you hear that your boss is having marital problems, don’t assume his wife must be the problem. He is allowed to be a good boss and a crappy husband at the same time.

Motherhood

I grew up with a mum who loves fiercely and loyally. Her love surrounded and continues to envelop us wherever we may be. Protectively. Warmly. Firmly. Unwaveringly. I have no words to describe how incredible she is. The sacrifices she has made and continues to make selflessly. I call her my life’s first gift. Being her daughter has been one of life’s greatest privileges.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

As a child, she absolutely terrified me. She raised me until my early teens in the typical Nigerian mum manner. With an iron fist. She held me to almost impossibly high standards. With sometimes unrealistic expectations. Giving little room for mediocrity. I was expected to study hard, learn to cook and do chores. Instructions were given with no explanations and debate was not expected.

In my late teens, her style of motherhood completely changed and I credit our beautiful relationship today to that evolution. As we became adults, she became more understanding and gave more room for dialogue and friendship. It is an evolution that I am thankful for. It’s the reason why I have no secrets from her. Her counsel is always sound and truthful. With our best interests at it’s core. She showed us the concept of accountability. I often see adults who are unable to question parents’ obviously bad behaviour and I find it so disappointing. I can always tell her when I think she has acted wrongly without fear. It’s a lesson I hope to apply in my own relationship with my children.

As a mum now, motherhood scares me. It took a lot of effort for me to become a mother. It was a journey through tears, heartbreaks and uncertainty. I am grateful for being chosen to guide them through this journey of life. I do not take it for granted. I pray daily that I do not mess this mission up. I am very deliberate about motherhood. I hope to create an enabling environment for them to soar.

I hope to be a parent my children will not keep secrets from. I hope to be a mum whose love a child trusts… Whose love keeps them secure… Whose wise counsel they seek in times of uncertainty… Whose home is a safe haven… A place where they are not afraid to cry… In whose presence they can be vulnerable

I hope to teach them to ask questions when they need clarity… To be fearless… To reject physical or mental shackles which society might attempt to put them in …. To never look at their colour, roots or faith as a hindrance… To demonstrate and expect accountability … That word is bond… That they are good enough and deserving of great things

Do you have a partner?

In the past 4 years, writing/blogging has had to take the considerable back seat in my chaotic life. I had to prioritize finishing a hectic training program and exams designed to destroy the faint-at-heart. Failing was a luxury I could not afford because I have 2 young children. It would have meant prolonging the program and getting double the torture.

In my local residency group of about 30, only a few of us did the program full time. I was the only married person who finished the program full time. To achieve this, it meant the home front made a great deal of sacrifices. I was not known in the children’s school. I did not pack school lunches and I hardly attended any school meetings. I was out of the house first and arrived last.

Today my emphasis is on having a partner that understands your dreams, and partners with you to get to your destination. Partners who give you a boost. Partners who tell you to spread your wings and soar!

My husband is a Nigerian man who comes from a fairly comfortable background and the privileges that come with it. He grew up the youngest son, with servants around. He was not taught to lift a finger or have designated chores. When I arrived in Canada, his mum was still doing his laundry and coming over to clean his flat.

In the years of my residency training, he stepped up in a manner his upbringing did not prepare him for. He played a predominant role in childcare and parenting. We paid for a cleaner but he mostly took care of school runs, football matches and other clubs as well as school meetings.

We were lucky because his job as a software engineer means his career was more flexible than mine. We were lucky because he focused on the bigger picture. A progressive thinking man. Not some man who thinks his destiny is tied to eating fresh stew everyday. Not some fragile-ego’d man who believes it’s beneath him to put his own dish in the sink after eating.

While I might make jokes about being the one who actually raised him, I am aware that I struck luck. I can brag about being uncompromising about the need for us to both participate in house chores (which I was), but I am equally aware of how much harder life would have been for us both and for our children if he had proven unreasonable. Weekends found us- and continues to find us- dividing and conquering tasks.

Since finishing, I now work part time. We are in a much better place financially as a result of those sacrifices. We had a weekly cleaner during my training which we have kept. I am able to do school runs twice a week. I know our teachers. I am more actively involved in activities.

So do you have a partner? Are you a partner? A partner focuses on the bigger picture. A partner understands that the end justifies the means. A partner is a destiny builder. A partner focuses on what will get the family to a better place. Not what people think. Sacrifices can be physical or financial.

Your testicles won’t vanish if you bathe your own kids, feed them or put them to bed. You won’t become a woman because you cook or wash dishes. If you are a wife and you are privileged to be able to provide financial support to help your husband, do so. Pay no mind to what family or society thinks as long as you have a partner who isn’t trying to take advantage of you.

So do you have a dream? Ask yourself, do you have a partner? That’s half the job done.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The Talk

I was 20 years old the first time my mum was forced to confront my sexuality. I met my then boyfriend when I was 14 and we began dating when I was 19. On that particular day, my mum came to the flat I shared with 2 other friends. She came -as she often did- to visit and bring me some home-cooked meal. I was in my 4th year of medical school and she would often come at about 6 a.m before I had to get ready for classes.

On this particular visit, my boyfriend had visited and spent the night at my place. I wasn’t expecting her and we were both shocked when she knocked on my window (she often did that to avoid waking up my flat mates). Now my mum raised us military style as kids but mellowed considerably as we grew older. Despite that fact, sex was not something we discussed. She knew my boyfriend but each time i mentioned visiting him, she would ask that i invite him over instead. So he visited our family home a lot. I knew why mum didn’t want me visiting him. She didn’t put it in words but i understood. However, we had found a  way around her supervision.

I contemplated hiding him but we had clothes strewn all over the floor. So with my heart in my mouth, I opened the door for her. She was shocked to see him. I watched her face as comprehension descended upon her. I would have bet anything she would raise hell. Anyone who knows my mum would have bet she would. She did not. She stared at us both, dropped my food and left. I instantly called my younger brother. I have always tried to be the perfect child. I was the good child. He never bothered. He made regular dates with trouble and didn’t bother to hide it. He told me when next i went home to act guiltless. He said I shouldn’t cower and just try to act normal.

Anyway, that marked the beginning of a new era with my mum. The fact that she didn’t make  a scene or disgrace me came as a huge surprise and i can say that has played a big role in strengthening the trust I have for her. We never discussed it but she looked at me differently afterwards. I ended up marrying that gorgeous boyfriend who i was so besotted with (still am) and I guess she forgave me for not being as ‘perfect’ as she thought. She has a relationship with my husband that even I envy.

I think most Nigerian parents are escapists. They know but act like they don’t. I don’t have any friends whose parents had the ‘talk’ with. I think this is something that needs to change. I hope to instill strong principles in my daughter like my mum did. I will teach her to respect her body and demand that it be respected. I however hope to be realistic when the time comes. If she is dating, I will accept the possibility of her being sexually active. I will be realistic in my expectations and hope to empower her too. What a world of difference it would make if young girls knew as much about contraception and STIs as they should.

So if you have a teenager or young adult, make friends with them. Let them be comfortable enough to discuss their relationships with you. Teach them. Empower them to make safe decisions. Let them know what their options are and guide them to make the best decisions for their lives. After all, from experience, i know once that ‘boat’ has sailed, there is no going back.

Sister’s keeper

Most of the most hurtful things ever said to me in my life were by another woman. I have come to realize that this is true for many women. Maybe men are too busy or they simply don’t go for the jugular like we do. How supportive are we of other women? How loyal are we to each other? Why do we judge each other so harshly?

If you have children and are a stay at home mum, other women are the first to say you just stay at home everyday and make no income. If your work takes you away from your kids, then they snidely say they can’t imagine anything being more important than family. If you are married, the most ‘remarkable’ in-law stories you probably have in your archives are about encounters with the females in your husband’s family. How about betrayal by friends? The most painful ones are by girlfriends. If you are unlucky with love, it’s probably because you are not a good person. If you stay in a bad marriage, you are weak. If you leave, you are impatient. Whatever you do, you just can’t win in the law court of women.

Is it envy or lack of empathy? I do not know. Someone has infertility, why would you think it must be something she did? A friend’s husband cheats openly, why would you say she’s probably lacking in some way and that’s his reason? A married man wants to date you, why can’t you just tell him off and send him on his way? If a woman had her baby by C-section and you have pushed out 7 babies without a tear, then good for you! You both don’t get a crown after the arduous journey.

Learn to be a sister’s keeper. You have nothing to lose by building a fellow woman up and you also have nothing to gain by tearing her down. In every situation, try and put yourself in her shoes before you judge. Respect people who are making tough choices you can’t imagine making and do not trivialize their efforts. Everything isn’t a competition. If you spend your weekends cooking 10 different meals, that doesn’t make you better than the woman who would rather just stretch out her legs, order in some food and relax with her family. It’s your choice. I enjoy baking. Most of what I bake can be bought quickly off the shelves but I enjoy huffing and puffing away in the kitchen and watching my recipes come to life. Choice.

If you have knowledge you think can be beneficial to another woman, share. If you have a job opportunity that might change someone’s life, please reach out. If you have gone through fertility treatments and was successful, please share your experience with other females. If you are a friend, be a loyal and honest one. If you are a mother-in-law, do not belittle your son’s wife. If we learn to stick up for one another, we can really make a lot of difference in our lives. When a sister succeeds, be happy for her. If she is in a difficult situation, pray for and with her.

Do not live your life tending to what people will say. You can never satisfy everyone. Pray daily for wisdom and always send out positive energy to others in case you get some of it back. Be your sister’s keeper.

 

 

Wait it out

I am a very romantic person. I LOVE love. Its just one of the most beautiful experiences in life. My husband and I have a truly beautiful love story. We have simply been fortunate to share the kind of love and passion that we have. Even after all these years, he still makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. However, the truth is, we once faltered.

When we dated, we were just two young people in love and focused solely on each other. Our worlds revolved around each other. I can hardly remember any serious quarrel we ever had. After we got married, somewhere along the line, we slipped and stopped being each other’s priority. We had some challenging times and we listened to voices outside our home and blemished our story. We got advice-solicited and unsolicited. The truth is, other voices can be very distracting whether their intentions are good or bad. In fact, without knowing it, you might start to view your partner through people’s eyes.

While we had simply thrived on making each other happy and enjoyed watching the other person’s eyes glow whenever we gave a gift, it suddenly became a lot of work. There were birthdays and anniversaries my husband failed to acknowledge. We forgot to just stare in each other’s eyes like we used to. I just couldn’t understand the change. It was heartbreaking.

Fortunately for us, God gave us the wisdom to realize we were losing each other. We worked our way back and learnt from our mistakes. We learnt that if it took just the two of us to fall in love, then maybe just the two of us could help us stay in love and work out any issues we have. We have learned, and are still learning to listen to just our own voices. We have also realized that we should never stop impressing each other. Being married doesn’t mean the conquest is over.

So if you are going through a rough patch in your relationship, sometimes, it’s a good idea to wait it out. I don’t know your unique situation and it would be unfair to judge you. All I know is, relationships, as with most things in life. are full of ups and downs. Recognize the ‘downs’ for what they are-phases. Of course this especially applies if things were once great between you too. It is also good to take stock and try to assess as realistically as possible, what you have going for you. Ask yourself what is good about your union. If you are getting abused, please this advice does not apply to your situation.

Also try to remember-especially if your marriage is new-that you are both trying to figure out your new roles. So give your spouse some stumbling room. I remember finding all the wedding day advice a little too much. It made me feel like I now had to look and act my role as a wife and look at my husband differently. I just wanted to be his beloved forever. Period. The branding which is associated with marriage can put you both under pressure to act a certain way and micro-examine your relationship.

Do not feel pressured to leave a good marriage because of a temporary phase. Tune out people’s voices. Take a critical look at yourself. Work on yourself. Be easy to love. Don’t have unrealistic expectations. Learn not to sweat the small stuff. Pray for the wisdom required to have a successful marriage. Do your part. Don’t stop learning about yourself or your partner. If it feels very far from how it did when you just met, don’t give up so soon. Talk it out…wait it out.

God bless our homes. Have a great weekend!

Pawns…

Musings…
Why do we feel the need to drag children into the mess we create as parents?
If/when ugliness creeps in, why should children be made to choose sides?
Most marriages start out beautifully but unfortunately along the line, sometimes, ugliness creeps in . It can be gut-wrenching and often creates bitterness in one or both people involved and understandably so.
Strategies of ‘war’ have proven that the more allies you have, the better your odds of ‘winning’. This is where children come into play.
Children are innocent but often, parents-especially mothers-often use them as tools to wage war. I believe sometimes, they don’t do it deliberately. As they say, ‘hell hath no fury…’, so an angry woman oozes hurt and anger from her pores. Children, bless them, are naturally able to pick on mothers’ emotions and sometimes, even share these emotions. Most women also have a quite caustic tongue and lash out verbally when unhappy or angry. Children hear these words and get swayed.
On the other hand, there are women who also deliberately manipulate children. There are ugly stories they have in their archives which they dig out from time-time to let the children know how awful their father is. Considering how much time we spend with children and how much emotional control we have over them, this is an easily achievable feat for women.
I know it’s unfair to judge someone if you haven’t walked in their shoes. However, I believe, it’s very unfair to put children in such difficult position. Children are better served when they have a healthy relationship with both parents. Parents should encourage this except if the other parent is harmful to them. Bitterness and other negative sentiments should be suppressed. While it might be difficult to watch someone who was so unkind to you idolized by your children, you have to realize that there is a role in their lives your partner can play better than you can.
The truth is that if left alone, children are a lot more intelligent than we give them credit for. In time if your partner is truly a terrible person, the children will eventually figure it out without your help anyway. They have a right to know and have a relationship with both parents and should be allowed to do so.
So whether you are splitting from your partner, genuinely trying to make it work or you know all hope is lost but you are keeping up appearances just so you don’t get labelled, please don’t use your children to fight your battles. Put their welfare and happiness before yours. They won’t be happier or better for it and you won’t too.
Bad husbands/partners don’t necessarily translate to bad fathers!  

Rumor has it…(pt 2)

To avoid being caught up in the web of gossip, here are a few ideas I have. Please feel free to add any ideas you have.

First, I think you have to recognize it as a distasteful habit you want to get rid of or reduce. If you do not think there’s anything wrong with spending time doing nothing but discussing people’s lives, then this article probably has nothing to offer you.

At any point in time, we have a lot going on our lives. There are goals we are trying to achieve and there are those we have achieved. So when you gist with a friend, if you talk about your lives, you probably won’t have enough time to cover all these areas. Talk about your life, ask about your friend’s. Talk about your love life or your quest for one, your work…your career plans, your successes, your failures, your fears. When you are done talking about yours, ask about your friend’s life. Did that guy she talked about call her back yet? Did she go to see the doctor?

You can steer the conversation gently away from a direction you don’t want. Guys hang out for several hours and hardly say anything personal. They talk about cars, sports and money-making tactics. As a result they hardly have all the drama that female friendships are full off. The truth is, if you ever needed a help, how many of these friends would you be able to call on?

Go shopping together, share recipes, advice each other, tackle problems together…even pray together. I think these are more worthwhile ventures.

The battle with the -law

An in-law, in my definition, is an absolute stranger with whom you attempt to bond through your common love of your spouse. Please note my use of the word ‘attempt’. This implies that as with any attempt, you may be successful or unsuccessful after one or multiple attempts.

My focus today will be mainly on the females. This is because my brief opinion poll showed that majority of women claim to have very few problems with the males in their husband’s family. The most ‘interesting’ stories I heard were about the women. I think this is probably because whether acknowledged or not, there is always some form of power play between the women in a man’s life. Husbands (bless them) are sometimes blind (or pretend to be) to this subtle battle going on.

This rivalry is a case of history repeating itself endlessly. As a result, the name ‘mother-in-law’ has come to be almost synonymous with ‘formidable’ over time. I have noticed that most single ladies now have a ‘daggers drawn’ approach when it comes to how they intend to handle their in-laws, especially the mothers-in-law. There can be several reasons for this. Sometimes a mother may have disagreed with her son’s choice of a wife and as a result, the wife (if they do eventually get married) tags her an enemy of the marriage. Secondly, we’ve all heard stories of how some marriages were destroyed/almost destroyed by the relentless and bitter pursuits of some mothers-in-law. These stories may make single ladies brace themselves. Finally, she may very well indeed be formidable.

Let’s look at this issue from a different perspective. Some women have a pattern of unstable relationships with friends and even family. They can’t even seem to make up their minds on who is good and who is bad. If a woman has all her life shown a pattern of unstable relationships and fights with acquaintances, why then would her relationship with you be any different? Having this insight might make you feel a little better knowing you are not the problem and this could even provide you a way to cope with the person more effectively. That is, if you are not a person who typically can’t hold on to relationships yourself. Try to understand who you are dealing with, and understand yourself too. On the other hand, an otherwise wonderful and reasonable woman may just not get along with her daughter-in-law. She may have unrealistic expectations of you, making it impossible for you to do anything right…your spirits just won’t click. Maybe she feels threatened by your hold on her son…her son’s love for you. She has been eclipsed and feels you are replacing her as the superwoman and this is her way of reacting to this fear.

I believe that if husbands play their roles well as moderators of this budding bond between strangers, there would be very little problems. Being in the middle, your husband knows you and his mother better than you know each other-at least initially. A man once told me his reason for not allowing his wife and mum live together was that his wife is hot-tempered and his mum is unforgiving. It’s his responsibility to shield each of you from the other’s flaws (which he should know as a smart person) and avoid being swayed back and forth between you two. If he plays the moderator role well and has a consistent and firm role definition for wife and mother, you will both have nothing but absolute respect for each other’s distinct and irreplaceable roles in his life.

I definitely do not dispute the fact that mothers-in-law may sometimes be a handful. However, I want us to bear in mind that one day, the tables will be turned around and who knows what our own daughters-in-law will say about us? Handle yourself with dignity, be respectful and refuse to be disrespected. I believe that women have incredible problem-solving tactics. You need to know what works best for you and stick to it. Know what your expectations are. Try to solve your disputes with your husband if/when they arise. If the visits are uncomfortable, make them brief but don’t stop going. Encourage your husband to be a good son. She can’t be totally bad if she raised such a wonderful son.

Finally, if you are reading this and still single, please go in with an open mind. Be prepared to like and be liked. Do your half. A lot of women love their mother-in-law and confide in her and vice versa. It’s definitely possible. If however, that boat has sailed and yours isn’t as good, then you just have to keep working on this relationship.There’s a method, you just haven’t found it yet but you will. Don’t give anyone else the credit for the success or failure of your marriage. It’s up to you and your spouse.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑