If you looked…

When a woman stays in an abusive relationship (physical, verbal or emotional), she suffers and the people around her, who have invested years of love and devotion experience the greatest pain- the parents, the siblings. It hurts to watch someone you love dearly become a shadow of themselves all because of a love gone wrong (or one that should never have even started). The children are the worst victims I believe. It is absolute mental torture for them.

I have a son, and I have a daughter. While it is still a little too early to say if I love one more than the other, I can confidently tell you I love them differently. My daughter signifies everything in my world that is pure, delicate and beautiful. Love falls short as a description. I am sure everyone who has a little girl knows these emotions I fail to adequately describe. Having said this, can you imagine how crushed it must make parents feel to know that their precious daughter goes home everyday to an abusive partner? How about the siblings who grew up loving you, respecting you? Your dear friends whose memories of the person you used to be are starting to fade?

I hate to see marriages end. So please do not take this to be a preaching for divorce. The aim of this article is to let you know that it hurts others too. Greatly. Someone who loves you wouldn’t derive pleasure from hurting or humiliating you. He takes sadistic pleasure in tormenting you. That isn’t love. You are loved by so many people. There are so many people who look up to you in your family and even in the society. Your parents probably raised you to know you are invaluable to them. Your kids let you know too. You are truly, truly special to these people and loved by them. It hurts them all to see you so weak and if you looked deeply, you would see. You deserve better.

A mother should be her children’s idol. Loving a mum is instinctual in most cases. Respecting them on the other hand, is a learned behaviour. It’s hard to uphold the image of an idol if your kids constantly watch you disrespected. Allowing them to see this happen will shape their characters without you being aware and this is quite unfair. Their ways of handling their own future relationships will be affected by how they watch you handle yours. Many women often say that they stay because of the kids. I beg to differ. What do you achieve if you don’t raise sons better than your husband? What good is it if you raise daughters who are scared of marriage? You want to raise children who stand up for themselves. To treat others the way they want to be treated…with dignity and kindness.

If you are respectful yourself, I see no reason why you can’t insist on being respected. As women, sometimes we simply assume men know the things we want. Don’t assume he knows he hurts you. Say it out aloud. If you haven’t demanded it before, you should (of course this will probably work only if the abuse is verbal). Let him know statements or jokes you find to be derogatory. If however, you have made a huge mistake and married a partner who is an absolute monster -in which case you have no voice in your relationship- then I pray all the angels in heaven will sing a solution into your ears and help you make the tough choices you need.

To conclude, I would like to let you know that as a woman, you are wonderfully made. Try to be around people who make it easy for you to be at your best. You should be celebrated everyday for all the remarkable tasks and emotions you juggle daily and stay sane and beautiful. For the various ‘offices’ you run successfully. You have such a huge capacity to love and be loved. Don’t give the special privilege of your love to an undeserving person.

Don’t let anyone whip the pride out of you literally or figuratively!