Children are important in any society and the pain of not having any, when you truly desire to do so,  is deep and almost physical. People, especially women will go through various invasive and painful treatments in the quest for a child.
However, in societies like Nigeria, you are almost doomed if you do not have one. I say almost because as with most things, having money, eases the situation. A child represents more than a biological necessity. A child represents the hope for a pension, security and sometimes even shelter in old age. A child represents a plant that will hopefully become a tree underneath which a parent will be sheltered from harsh weather.

Nigeria has a non-existent social security system. So when we brag about looking after our elderly ourselves, the underlying truth is that there just aren’t a lot of other options. So yes, it’s unfashionable to take the elderly to nursing homes because there just isn’t one around every corner. The ones that there are must be paid out of pocket. There is no government funding for housing, or social services. We do not have carers paid by the government from the tax pot. So we look after our old. Whether or not we want to.

Health care is mostly paid for at point of use for majority of the over 200 million. For the children and the elderly too. Most of the poorest in the society have no means of paying for childcare. Healthcare needs more than likely will increase the longer you live. In a society without an NHS or OHIP, children are their parents’ health insurance.

So while it’s easy to go on endlessly how parents shouldn’t act entitled etc, we need to look at the society we are talking about at large. I agree that it might not be your reality if your parents are still financially buoyant and don’t need your support, think of the petty traders you know. The labourers. Those working as security guards. The several people you know who would have no pension once they are unable to work. The people you know who still don’t own a building. Even if they have their own home, can they pay for medications once they stop working?

If you have parents in Nigeria who are not rich and have no investments, you are their pension, their health insurance and sustenance.  Whether you like it or not. Whether they were kind or unkind to you. Responsible or irresponsible parents. There isn’t any other viable alternative. As with any responsibility, it can be shirked or denied.

In my personal and professional life, I have sadly come across quite a number of women who were sexually abused as children.

For most of them, it isn’t the act alone that damaged them. It is the action- or inaction- of the person they reported the assault to that damaged them. This might have been a parent, guardian, teacher or even religious leader.

Some of these trusted adults reacted by insisting the child was confused, lying or in some cases, even punished the child. Some did nothing at all.

So everytime they recall their experience, what hurts most is the betrayal by the person they reported the incident to. Telling this adult probably took a lot of courage. They must have greatly trusted this person to make it right. To then have this adult make no attempt to seek justice is simply damaging.

If a child ever reports sexual assault to you, please start from a point of belief. Please remember that for the rest of this child’s life, they will remember what you do – or didn’t do.
Fight for the child. With everything you have. Seek justice because you owe it to this child to do so and also because this sick person will hurt so many others and you’d be partly responsible.

Most immigrants to the UK have to take a Life in The UK test at some point. I  have often heard about the experience of the other 3 nations leading to the forced marriage called the United Kingdom. The test study material is slightly  “cleaned up” and leaves a lot unsaid about how much the nations suffered before surrendering to the English but still is a difficult read. The surprising thing is that the test questions cannot be spontaneously answered by a lot of indigenous British citizens.

My mum sometimes tells me stories of the Biafran war in Nigeria. She was a child herself but she has vague recollections of how much the Ibos suffered. They were killed, starved and held captive in their quest for secession.

Schools in England get a dampened version of the British role in colonialism and slavery. How many are aware that not only was mass kidnapping once legal, when it was abolished, the slave owners were paid a compensation for their loss! Who paid? Tax payers. It was a scheme championed by the British empire called Compensated emancipation. It’s interesting to note that the slaves were not compensated and slave owners were never punished…well, as said above, they were “compensated” for the inconvenience of letting their human goods go.

The problem with experiences like these is that the anguish and resentment is passed on by the sufferers who are determined that their sacrifices and loss must not be forgotten. They would often attempt to pass on to their descendants, the passion with which the fought for the cause and the pain that accompanied their defeat or triumph

How much do the other tribes in Nigeria know about the Biafran war? Is it being taught in schools? Is there a war museum?
How much of Britain’s role in colonialism is taught in schools?

The problem with a cleaned up version is that it does a disservice to the sufferers’ pain. Choosing what aspect of the story to pass on to the next generation runs the risk of deleting aspects of history considered vital by the oppressed and their descendants.

We often complain about the depths of emotion expressed by the victims.
Why are they always so angry? We cannot connect or understand their emotions. The watered down version we have been served does not sound so bad afterall. So what’s their problem?

Racism, slavery, colonialism etc. These are all subjects that we would rather not discuss. They are difficult topics.
However, despite the accompanying feelings of indigestion, these topics must be discussed. It should be taught on both sides that have emerged if they are to get rid of the big dark shadow cast upon their relationship by history.

So when you wonder why a certain group keep pushing for a referendum or secession, pause and do some reading. Find a reliable library and get educated about their journey. You don’t have to agree with their fight but at least seek to understand it.

-Written in Toronto on this fine day 08/10/21 while Nana keeps Nabil entertained- both drunkenly in love.

How do discussions around racism make you feel? Do you believe it’s an overflogged issue and wish people- especially black people- would please give it a rest already? Does it make you feel like leaving the room? You might be happy to know that you are not alone.

It’s quite common for people to find discussions of oppression and crime uncomfortable especially when they share similarities with the oppressor or criminal. For example, most muslims might hate for 9/11 to be brought up as they are scared it might end up in a hate speech about Muslims. Males get antsy when the rape of females is being talked about.

I think the reason is because it makes them feel personally attacked. It almost feels like an accusation. You are left feeling confused about what to say or do. If you keep quiet, are you endorsing the greatest mass kidnap in the human history and its residual effects (racism/slave trade)?

Since you are scared of being thought to be endorsing the crime or oppression that is being discussed, your first thoughts are to put up a defence urgently. You want to put ut out there that you are one of the good ones. So, you blurt out the first defence that comes to mind.

Typically, the defence is a less-than-clever one. ‘I went to Kenya with my family last year’. ‘My neighbour is African. Our kids are good friends’. ‘I wore braids for 2 weeks last month’. This adds to the awkwardness and ruins your chance to actually express what your stance is.

I urge you to calm down and listen to the discussion. It might just be someone expressing their frustration about personal and genuine or perceived encounters of racism. It’s unlikely to be directed at you specifically. Don’t rush to put up a defence or dismiss their concerns or opinions.

If history is brought up, remember it is useful to discuss these things that tbey may never happen again.

Humans typically adopt different persona depending on the circumstances they are in. This is why your firm, no-nonsense, rigid boss might be putty in his wife’s hand. You might catch him dressed up as a fairy because his 2 year old daughter asked him to.

We often define people based on the aspects of their character that our involvements with them expose us to. What we fail to understand is that humans have many faces. We often “wear the face” that the situation calls for. So a honest little look inwards will confirm that there are ways you act at work that you don’t at home.

This extends into relationships as well. If you have a friend, you might be surprised by some things their spouse could tell you about them. Who they are as a wife or husband might bear little to no similarities to who they are as your friend.

My sister-in-law and I talk a lot. My brother is a good husband and a responsible and attentive father. Occasionally, she tells me things about my brother that leave me quite surprised. She’s his wife. She lives with him. I haven’t fully lived with him since I turned 22. How then can I argue with her? I can vouch for his character as a person but he, like everyone else, has his little idiosyncrasies which only one exposed to living with daily would know. So I hold myself in check and refrain from being too defensive. In the same way, I am sure there are things about my character as a wife that could shock my work colleagues and vice versa.

So what am I saying today? Be careful about who you vouch for. Especially if it isn’t in a role that you are familiar with. Even your amazing dad may be a very difficult boss at work. When your sister-in-law tells you things about your brother, listen carefully before you jump to his defence. You will never get to experience what life is like as his wife. When you hear that your boss is having marital problems, don’t assume his wife must be the problem. He is allowed to be a good boss and a crappy husband at the same time.